Trigger for some for pregnancy and loss, TMI too.
All week I’ve been afraid to move, to cough, just in case the pregnancy ends.
I wear pads in my underwear so thick it feels like I’m wearing a nappy. I choose my clothes wisely, I’m afraid to step outside the door in case a whoosh comes.
One half of me says to carry on as normal and what will be will be.
The other half says to stay still as possible.
I listen to the second half.
‘You could try again.’ They said.
I don’t want to, I want this baby, so I will do what I can.
I’ve had pains galore but are they real or am I just having them because they said I would?
I try to put all thoughts of it out of my mind, deciding that I will do my best but actually what is going to be most certainly will be.
Then I wake and see what I can only describe as a ‘proper’ blood show. I feel sick and really dizzy. I’m panicked. Is this it?
I wander around downstairs for a while, the pain is located in one side, low down but is not enough to double over.
It’s the weekend so I call the out of hours number.
He is concerned, says I need to be seen within 2 hours.
The hospital call and arrange an appointment for 2 and a half hours later in A & E.
We wait in A & E for some time before my name is called and I pray for a miracle.
The doctor checks my obs and they are ok. I provide a specimen and she prods my belly.
‘Any diarrhoea?’ she asks.
‘Yes.’ I say.
‘Everything seems fine,’ she says, ‘the pregnancy test is showing negative.’
The test I did before I went was a big strong positive.
‘Well that’s that then.’ I say sadly. I’d had enough of arguing and I don’t want to speak to them anymore about anything.
She says they can’t scan me because they don’t have the equipment, I should go to the EPU the next morning.
I feel a fool, like they think I’m trying to convince everyone I’m pregnant. I can’t wait to get out of there.
I stop bleeding again.