I tell The Husband that I need new jeans.
‘These don’t fit’ I say, showing him my loose waistband.
He looks surprised, like I’ve purposely over-stretched them.
‘I’ve lost weight’ I say.
He raises a suspicious eyebrow.
He is a fitness fanatic and doesn’t overly appreciate my lack of dedication to the cause.
The last time he upset me in regards to my fragile self-esteem regarding my body, he bought me an apology by way of a big block of chocolate!
I didn’t get it, but I ate the chocolate anyway because it was chocolate.
I expect that these jeans will fit soon after all.
I suspect that he has worked out that chocolate is cheaper than new clothes.
I gave Number 5 her pocket money for a week well done.
‘What’s up?’ I said.
She frowned again and handed the money back.
‘I don’t want it,’ she said, ‘I’ve got too much money already.’
I think I’ll enjoy that attitude while it lasts!
Dear Mr/Mrs Supermarket,
I write concerning the recent addition of the family sized tubs of chocolate to your stores.
I assume you have marked them down in price as a pre-Christmas incentive so we buy now and put them away to eat or give as gifts over the festive season?
I would like you to know that no-one does this, (!) ever.
I have purchased 3 such tubs over a 2 week period and I have eaten them all, mostly by myself!
I am not thanking you for the half a stone in weight that I have put on. If I had put such weight on in December then I could have blamed it on Christmas, there is simply no justification I can find (and believe me I’ve tried!), for such a gain in September/October.
I politely request that you chuck all the chocolates back in your store room and bring them back out again in a couple of months.
On our way home we stopped at KFC. I thought Number 3 might like some lunch bought home so I text him.
‘Would you like some KFC?’ I said.
‘Yes please.’ He said.
‘What do you want then?’ I said.
‘Can you get me something with no chicken in please?’ he said.
‘No,’ I said, ‘it’s a chicken shop, they only sell chicken.’
‘Oh, no thanks then.’ He said.
I have instigated a new healthier eating plan at home in a bid for us all to eat less meat and more veggies.
As I overloaded the oven dish with sweetcorn, spinach and just a small amount of ham The Husband looked on suspiciously.
‘Ok?’ I said.
‘Hmmm,’ he said, ‘you said you’ve cooked this dish before then?’
‘Yes.’ I said.
‘Oh,’ he said, ‘ummmm and you all survived?’
The Husband and I were due to go out.
‘But it’s raining.’ He said.
‘That’s ok,’ I said, ‘we can just take the car.’
‘No we can’t do that.’ He said.
‘No?’ I said.
‘No, I’ve only just washed it and I don’t want to get it wet.’
The doorbell rang at 4:35am Sunday morning.
Panic swept over me, it must mean bad news.
I look out the window but can’t see anything, of course I didn’t have my contact lenses in so couldn’t see anything anyway.
I woke The Husband to tell him there was someone at the door. We waited for it to ring again but it didn’t.
‘It’s ok,’ He said, ‘Go back to sleep.’
I fell back into an uneasy sleep.
Next day I asked Number 2 if he heard the doorbell.
‘Oh yes,’ He said, ‘it was 2 + 1.’
‘At half past four in the morning???’ I exclaimed.
‘Yes, she was missing me,’ he said, ‘that’s cute isn’t it.’