And it continued some more…

Trigger for some for pregnancy and loss, TMI too.

All week I’ve been afraid to move, to cough, just in case the pregnancy ends.

I wear pads in my underwear so thick it feels like I’m wearing a nappy. I choose my clothes wisely, I’m afraid to step outside the door in case a whoosh comes.

One half of me says to carry on as normal and what will be will be.

The other half says to stay still as possible.

I listen to the second half.

‘You could try again.’ They said.

I don’t want to, I want this baby, so I will do what I can.

I’ve had pains galore but are they real or am I just having them because they said I would?

I try to put all thoughts of it out of my mind, deciding that I will do my best but actually what is going to be most certainly will be.

Then I wake and see what I can only describe as a ‘proper’ blood show. I feel sick and really dizzy. I’m panicked. Is this it?
I wander around downstairs for a while, the pain is located in one side, low down but is not enough to double over.

It’s the weekend so I call the out of hours number.
He is concerned, says I need to be seen within 2 hours.

The hospital call and arrange an appointment for 2 and a half hours later in A & E.

We wait in A & E for some time before my name is called and I pray for a miracle.
The doctor checks my obs and they are ok. I provide a specimen and she prods my belly.

‘Any diarrhoea?’ she asks.
‘Yes.’ I say.

‘Everything seems fine,’ she says, ‘the pregnancy test is showing negative.’
The test I did before I went was a big strong positive.

‘Well that’s that then.’ I say sadly. I’d had enough of arguing and I don’t want to speak to them anymore about anything.

She says they can’t scan me because they don’t have the equipment, I should go to the EPU the next morning.

I feel a fool, like they think I’m trying to convince everyone I’m pregnant. I can’t wait to get out of there.

I stop bleeding again.

Just Waiting…

Trigger for some, dealing with pregnancy and loss.

I research misdiagnosed miscarriage for 3 days before I boil over with anger/frustration/fear and call the EPU back.

Misdiagnosed miscarriage is rather common I find, and that’s quite scary.

The baby is still there and I need answers.

I don’t see how they can rule out a pregnancy purely by HCG levels alone, especially in the very early stages.

I don’t, even if they are correct in their diagnosis, understand how they can deliver such news so badly.

I don’t understand how we (mothers) are supposed to just carry on with life and just wait for our babies to leave us with no further tests, support or really any knowledge of whats going on with our bodies and at the very least what to expect.

It was really a case of ‘this one is not ok, you can try again.’ That is very difficult when you really wanted ‘this one’ and ‘this one’ is still inside you and you don’t particularly want to try again.

I speak to another Lead Nurse who is compassionate and kind, the end result is I am to go back sometime next week if my pregnancy tests are still positive which is at least something I guess.

However I’m guessing that it will most likely still be positive after 1 week as I’m led to believe that the HCG levels take some time to level off after a loss anyway.

I ask that if I do (as expected) experience a loss of this pregnancy, what am I supposed to do??

Why on earth do they not routinely offer this information?

I need to know what I should do as I have no idea what to expect.

When should I ask for help if things don’t go as expected? What even is the ‘expected’??

Will there be pain? Do I need to go to hospital?

She helps me with some of my concerns but I don’t feel an awful lot better.

She explains that at this stage no one has no idea really what to expect.

Super then (!)
I wish I had never bothered going there in the first place.

Waiting for that call…

Trigger alert for some dealing with pregnancy and loss, TMI too…

On tender hooks all day until at last the call comes but I’m on the school run and miss it.

I call back and immediately when I get home ask what the results were.

They read 192.3.

‘Thank goodness,’ I say, ‘that’s really great.’

‘No I’m sorry but the Consultant has put it down as an early failed pregnancy as the numbers haven’t doubled.’ She says with a happy tone (!).

‘What?’
!!!

I explain the level the Doctor of that morning had said that were acceptable, I explain my last levels.

She didn’t know what my last levels were and went to speak to her colleague, the one who had actually spoke to the Consultant in the first place.

‘I’m sorry,’ she says, ‘but he wanted them to double exactly to 200.’

‘So that’s it?, because we were short just a tiny bit any possibility has been ruled out’

‘Yes, I’m sorry it is, we won’t be re-doing your bloods.’

‘But I haven’t lost anything, it’s still there?’

‘We will be expecting you to bleed.’

‘What if there is a chance to keep the pregnancy going??? Do you have any advice???’

‘No smoking, drinking, keep taking your vitamins….and try not to get too stressed’ she says light heartedly.

!!!

‘Well I’d probably be a lot less stressed if everyone would stop trying to tell me by baby isn’t going to make it.’ I say.

She laughs.

‘Of course,’ she says, ‘if you get another positive test in 2 weeks please feel free to come back and see us, ok, bye.’

I put the receiver down, my head is swimming. That’s it then – because they say so.
I put my hand to my belly. There is still a baby in there, the levels have risen, the pregnancy has progressed. To me that means my baby is still alive. I talk to it, tell it to be brave and strong and fight because it looks like we’re on our own with this!

Back to Hospital…

This post may be a trigger for some, TMI included…

I spend the weekend googling HCG levels, this time I thank God for the forums where this has also been the experience of many pregnant women.

I conclude that in some pregnancies low HCG hasn’t been too much of a problem and in others the pregnancies have ended.

I just don’t know what to think.

I’m scared to wake up every morning to see what had occurred overnight.

This is not fun.

Back at the hospital on the Monday I’m seen straight away and my bloods are taken by a different doctor.

‘How are you feeling?’ She asks.

‘Ok, worried,’ I say, ‘the loss from down below has changed a little bit, (I go on to explain in more detail) what do you think that it might be?’

‘I don’t know,’ she says, ‘but it definitely isn’t normal.’
!

Oh that’s that then! Thanks!

‘What am I looking at with these levels,’ I say, ‘what would be good?’
She says between the 160’s to 170.

The Husband misses the whole appointment after nipping to the toilet and waiting outside thinking it was engaged when it wasn’t!

 

As it continued…

Trigger alert and TMI

We get to the car and I try and gather my thoughts when my mobile rings. It’s the nurse from the hospital. She sounds nice and readily gives this dilemma the appropriate time of day. We talk for a while and she asks me to go back in so that they can scan me and see if they can see anything.

I stomp back to the ward feeling teary, stupid and ridiculous, The husband follows on too afraid to speak.

In the scanning room the atmosphere is weird, nothing like I’ve experienced before. The screen is turned away from me. They find nothing on the scan, (which I already knew they wouldn’t before I even sat on the couch!) so we are directed to the nurse’s office where she greets us warmly.

We listen as she explains that it may just be too early to see anything, tells me about miscarriage stats at my age (2/1), and that really we just need to wait a bit longer as anything could be happening at this early stage.

She says she will take my bloods and that they will call this afternoon with my HCG levels as that will give us all a better indication of what is going on, she also gives me a leaflet on ‘Miscarriage’ just in case.

We also discuss my messed up cycle of 2 months ago and she says that it’s likely that I had suffered an early loss. I feel immediately sad about that but deep down I think I knew that already.

As birthdays go I have to say so far this one was pretty rubbish!

The nurse had given me some of their pregnancy tests to use at home, out of curiosity I do one as soon as I get in after only a 2 hr hold.
We watch as the 2nd (strong) line appears instantly which was peculiar as the doctor had said they were showing negative (!).

The Doctor (who I never wanted to speak to ever again) called PM.

‘I have your HCG levels, they are very, very, low at 100, so we would like you to come back on Monday to repeat the test to see how they are progressing.’

OK. So it’s definitely a pregnancy (like I said!) and it doesn’t appear to be going so well (just like I said!).

 

Where it started to go wrong…

I phone the doctor to help me confirm my dates as research has now suggested anywhere between 4 weeks and 6 weeks 2 days.

I give her the necessary cycle information as to which she replies, ‘really?’ with shock.

‘Yes really.’ I say

I feel the need to defend my exceedingly short cycles even though previous doctors have said they were perfectly fine.

‘Oh’ she says, ‘our dating method is only really accurate for regular cycles.’

‘Oh’ I say, ‘I have never had a regular cycle.’

‘Oh’ she says, ‘well if your cycle is genuinely what you say then you are probably 6 weeks.’

Genuinely what I say!!

(No, no, I thought I’d just give you a call to talk some nonsense!!!)

I bite my tongue.

‘If you have a regular cycle then you will be 4 weeks.’ She says.

‘Super,’ I say with a mouthful of clamped tongue, ‘thank you so much.’
!

The Start in a Muddle of Unfortunate Events…

So my pregnancy didn’t go as planned and I will be adding my diary of events on my blog because I want to get it off my chest, and as it was a catalogue of disasters my record may (somehow, perhaps) help someone else, so please don’t read if they might be a trigger for you or if you prefer reading happier things. I will return to happy posts in-between. These posts will most certainly contain TMI.

And it starts here…

There is blood.
Not the usual sort and not much but it’s still there, something sort of, but in a weirder form.

The Husband is not alarmed.

The Bestie offers some theories.

I feel panicked and queasy.

I put myself to bed and fall asleep in half a second.

So I have spots, blood and milk. I am exhausted to the extent that I can’t even be bother to think.

The cause – something only a few weeks old and that, apparently, is the size of a poppy seed.

I wonder what it will be able to do by the time its 18 because it’s really clever so far!